Tragedy mourned at Sudanese service

December 20, 2008 (MANKATO) - At the front of the church sits a drummer, beating steadily, about one beat per second, while a congregation of mostly Sudanese immigrants sings.

Rebecca Tulow, who became a U.S. citizen in 2005, died last week when her car collided head-on with a semi. She is mother of 6 childern laid to rest on Friday

Thump, thump, thump goes the drum.

Between the beats, a woman can be heard sobbing. Her shoulders shake as a woman embraces and consoles her, and gently rocks her back and forth.

The language of tragedy is universal. Which is why you didn’t need to speak the language to understand how deeply the loss of Rebecca Tulow was felt among mourners at her funeral Friday, a service conducted entirely in Sudanese at Our Savior’s Lutheran Church in Mankato.

Tulow was killed last week when, while driving back to Mankato from her job at Tony Downs Foods in Madelia, her car collided head-on with a semi near Lake Crystal. Also in the car was Mary Kok — a single mom with three kids — who remains hospitalized and in fair condition in Rochester.

Tulow came to the United States in 1999 and took her citizenship oath in 2005. She was a member of the Sudanese Lutheran Church in Mankato and was vice president of the an organization called Educate Children of Southern Sudan.

Before coming to the U.S., she’d been trained in tailoring. She also married Peter Ngor, and the couple had six children: Nyabuony Jal, 16, Paul Jal, 9, Gatwech Jal, 7, Ngor Jal, 4, Nyaluth Jal, 1, and Goy Jal, 6 months.

The funeral program calls Tulow “the kindest, most truly compassionate women who was devoted to her family and community. She liked everybody, loved to have fun and enjoyed her time with her family.”

Cecil Gassis, a Sudanese immigrant who runs the Walking in Two Worlds program at the YWCA of Mankato, said tragedies such as this hurt immigrant families especially hard.

“(African families) rely a lot on the mom because she is the one spending more time with the children,” Gassis said.

For Tulow and her husband, those roles were a bit different. Tulow was the primary income earner while her husband attended college. Even though she was at work most days, she was probably still the primary care giver for her children.

In Africa, funerals aren’t the expensive, complicated endeavors they are here. They are simple and happen quickly, and friends and neighbors pitch in to help.

Even here, friends are pitching in. After a public call for help, more than $800 had been donated as of Friday morning for funeral expenses. Half of that has already been given to the family, and as more cash comes in, it will be forwarded to them.

The family is also receiving other offers of help.

Mankato lawyer Jerry Maschka, after having read the initial news reports of the fatal crash, offered free legal help to both families.

“I just thought that possibly there may be a language barrier or perhaps they may not know how or what to do to (take advantage of their insurance benefits),” Maschka said. “I do that once in a while. We also are helping some of the people injured on the bridge a year ago in Minneapolis.”

Gassis said life for Peter Ngor is going to be 10 times harder.“Now he’s going to be mom and dad,” Gassis said. “All the stuff he relied on the mom to do, he’s going to do or he’ll have to find someone else to do it.”

After the pastor’s eulogy, about 30 or 40 family and friends of Tulow’s leave their seats in the congregation and gather near the altar.

They sing loudly another African song. Some reach their arms toward the sky. Some wipe tears from their cheeks. Throughout the song there again is that drum, beating steadily through several verses until it stops suddenly after three quick hits, leaving the church silent.

The casket is wheeled out of the sanctuary. Behind it, Rebecca Tulow’s family and friends file out.

In the lobby, a dozen women are sobbing, embracing. One woman begins to wail until she is wrapped up by a friend and lead away. Others hastily put on coats and run to their cars. A hearse leads the way to the cemetery.